Bad News – Receiving, Writing, Sending

Today I received a private Facebook message from an old college acquaintance. In recent years we became Facebook friends. He has always been a gracious, very nice person. Judging from comments of his staff and friends he has carried that throughout his life.

His posts became repostings of photos from other sites. I knew he and his wife had moved into a condo two years ago which I thought, in passing, he seemed yet too active to give up the house and yard, etc. Then towards the end of 2019 I noticed infrequent to no posts. First thought was that his dear wife may have an illness. Facebook is a rather frivolous, superficial entity, especially to older generations whose lives are not lived publicly to elicit meaningless adorations from ‘friends’.

I posted a comment specifically sending Steve new years greetings. People have good reasons to refrain from Facebook, but I wanted to tell a nice guy ‘good wishes’.

Today I received a private message from him. He has bladder cancer. He has had it for 18 years. Now he has 2-4 to live.

He apologizes for starting off my new year with such news. But he writes it with straightforwardness and simplicity. How do you tell someone? How do you respond? I wrote back words fail me; no thoughts and prayers, cheap sentimentalizing. I told him to message me if he wanted; my own mortality is something aging is making me keenly aware of.

This has hit me surprisingly hard. Puzzling as we were never truly close, as in boyfriend, relationship close. He was a nice person to have contact with, and someone from earlier days who grew up in the same area.

Yes, my mother died 3 years ago, mid December. But I don’t get this reaction thinking about her. Yes my 18 year old dear cat died a year and a half ago; it was a thyroid problem, but he lived 2 more good years after diagnosis.

Suspect it the increasing realization of mu own pending mortality.

We have the philosophic discussions, talk with detachment about dying and death. We say what we would do, the best approach, review the pros and cons and criticize the medical profession all with detachment but when the time actually comes people take a different stance.

I think I will go visit the cats at the SPCA, after some 15 year aged scotch.